The Echoes of Ego
The Echoes of Ego
Understanding the Noise Beneath the Need
Personal reflections from a fellow traveler. Not AA approved literature. Shared in the Spirit of Experience, Strength, and Hope.
The ego is a fascinating and dangerous thing. One definition explains it as “an exaggerated sense of self-importance; conceit.” What makes the ego particularly painful is its ability to generate a false idea of the self, which can lead to a distorted perception of reality. This illusion is capable of preventing me from understanding my true nature and can often create conflicts within my life. Specifically, the ego can pump my pride well beyond what is rational and helpful.
In recovery, I can see myself a little more clearly, honestly, and genuinely. Recently I have been able to observe just how poisonous and pernicious my ego had become around a certain issue. I was torn between living in my palace of pride or humbling myself enough to admit I could be wrong.
In the words of the author Seamus McTier, “My mind was not my friend.” Why? Isn’t my mind me? Don’t I want the best for me? Maybe, maybe not.
Here’s where the water gets a little murky. I’ve used this line before and I absolutely love it: ‘I’m worshipping the wound.’
When I allow my mind to run wild, fill the gaps, create certainty, and generate plausible answers, I forget I’m operating in the battlespace of theory, not facts. After a few rounds of psychological self-protection disguised as discernment, I retire with a conclusion that provides safety from perceived harm.
This is not good. Nor is it healthy. I am reminded time and again that this sickness of self, this disease of denial centers in the mind. I have a thinking problem.
What the heck is going on here? I’m not quite sure, but I’ve recently discovered that if I don’t learn to rid myself of these pernicious patterns by handing them over to God, I can make a real mess of things that might actually be good for me.
Perhaps freedom begins when I stop trying to prove myself right, quiet the echoes of ego, and surrender the need beneath the noise to God.
Where in my life can I clothe myself in a little humility and surrender my ego?